When I look back at the past few years, I can not think of a moment I suffered or cried more in my entire life, than this period of time. Even my teenage years don’t feel like they were this much filled with pain, grief, heartaches, traumas, terrible decisions, excruciating life realizations, unexpected (and shocking – let’s be real) self discoveries and tears.
But, during the past 6 years or so, I also never did so much healing. I never felt this much alive. I never felt as close to my authentic self as I do now. These past few years were very painful for multiple reasons, but the healing that came out of this phase of my life has been tremendous.
Progress is happiness, they say, and I’m very happy to see and feel how much I’ve progressed over the past few years. We are all meant to change. To grow. To evolve. To expand. Growth is fulfillment. To become that best version of ourselves, so ever changing that can be. And to do so, healing needs to occur. Wounds that haven’t really healed, sometimes need to be reopened, treated properly this time, cared for and given the time to nurse back to health, and all this healing process can definitely be agonizing at times. Yes, sometimes growth, expansion and healing can be hard, rough, painful, oh but so worth the journey.
Sometimes I can’t believe what I drove myself to do, because of my hurt. My pain led me to visit dark corners of my soul. But it’s in your darkness, that you can find your light. I obviously didn’t always take care of my pain in mature, wise and peaceful ways.
But oh the things I’ve done……. Despite all the bleeding, healing took place.
Looking back, all of this feels like ages ago, nonetheless, all of this shaped who I am today. For me, self-awareness is step one. Trauma runs deep. Letting myself acknowledge my emotions, feel them, but not letting them take the lead as much is a constant and daily struggle. While I was in the midst of my suffering, I never thought I was healing. My ego kept playing tricks with my mind, making me believe I was still in so much pain, making me relive past traumas, shame and guilt, when in fact, deep down, healing was occuring. But I just kept showing up for myself, because at this point it was the only thing I could do at the time .
Healing old stories, to create new powerful stories. Healing old identities, accepting, forgiving and loving on my old identity, so I can become my new identity, create this version of myself I’ve always craved to become. That is the daily task. The journey. Not the destination.
I’m not gonna lie, all that suffering did bring so much healing, but at times, I really did believe I was never gonna come out of this torment in one piece. Self-healing is a lifelong process, and this path is far from being over, but now I see all of this as a blessing. “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on others who didn’t cut you.”
Oh and how did I bleed on people that didn’t deserve to be at the receiving hand of my pain. But with healing, comes forgiveness. Acceptance. Respect. Love. New boundaries. Experience. New knowledge. Compassion. Blessings. Miracles.
Through healing, suffering can come up to the surface – and through suffering, healing can be undergoing. Now I choose to see my suffering as part of my healing process.
Your journey doesn’t have to be a journey of never ending suffering. It can be a journey of continual healing. A journey of hope. Healing every layer of yourself. Healing every past trauma, every pain, every heartache, every grief. One at a time. No need to rush.
Healing so you can grow, so you can be fulfilled.
Don’t worry, as you grow and expand, every new level will bring a new devil. There will always be an opportunity to heal some more.
Keep showing up, as painful as it may be at times. Keep showing up. Keep showing up for yourself. Keep showing up so you can keep healing past wounds. Peeling one layer at a time. Healing one layer at a time. Be committed to your growth. Be dedicated to your expansion. Be devoted to becoming the best version of yourself. Don’t lose hope. Be brave.
I want to live a-heart-and-soul led life. That kind of human experience doesn’t come without pain, heartaches and tears. That kind of life requires courage. To be alive requires courage. To feel alive requires courage. And without vulnerability there is no bravery. With no bravery there is no vulnerability.
Like Joan of Arc said: ‘I’m not afraid. I was born for this.’
So I will not be afraid of pain. I will be open to the possibility of getting hurt. I will be vulnerable and humble. And I will tend to my wounds, so I can heal, grow, expand and not bleed on others, and not perpetuate the trauma onto other generations.